Feeling yucky

So a family member is throwing a fundraiser for my cousin's kids! YAY!!!!!! Since I have been thinking about it for months and have not had time to do anything about it - I am THRILLED that she is planning the event. However - God forbid I let it rest there. I find myself critizing (only to myself and my sisters - would never speak a word to the event planner) her plans, who she has contacted, the way it's being handled. What is WRONG with me? She is volunteering her own time and planning this great evening and all I can do is bitch about what she is forgetting? My sisters and I have contributed quite a bit to the evening - we put together several really nice baskets to raffle off and volunteered to put together the 155 Thank You favors....but why can't I just leave it at that?

I think my control issues are getting out of hand. Yesterday I got upset and fought all day with my husband for not telling me he wanted eggs until after I had pulled out the frying pans. Now we all know I have some relationship issues but even I realize in retrospect this was a little over the top. I hadn't cracked a single egg or even gotten the pans dirty - yet felt completely justified in yelling at him for not telling me he wasn't ready for breakfast a full 5 min earlier in the conversation! UGH!!!!!!

I feel like I am like the water in the sink - spiraling down to the bottom drain - I don't want to spend hours and hours discussing and analyzing it - I just want it to stop. I want to be able to just enjoy my kids God Damn it! Why can't I do that?

How do I find the balance to filter thru life's yucky stuff and still be able to enjoy the "little" things?

The thought of exercise keeps playing in my head over and over like a broken record. I need very badly to get my butt off the couch and do something - my weight is back up again to the highest it's ever been and I know that is part of what is making me feel so bad. But it is SO hard to get started when you've been a couch potatoe for so long. I have gone thru spurts in my life where I am good and lose 5-10 pounds, sometimes more, but inevitable it all comes back with more to spare. How does one actually create a change of lifestyle? I had my family buy me all these sneakers and running gear for my birthday back in august and most of it, sadly enough, is still sitting in the gift bag next to my bed. One of these days - that's what I keep saying.....

So sorry these last few posts are so depressing - they start out with another thought but keep ending up in the same place..........oh well - I'll try again tomorrow!