Can I walk away?
Can I do it? This is question that I think will be coming to a head very soon. Can I do it? Can I muster up the strength to walk away from an abusive, controlling relationship? Can I walk away from a man who has manipulated me for 10 years into thinking this behavior is not only normal but acceptable?
He makes me feel crazy for wanting things that I think just MUST be normal but never happen in my home. Things like keeping promises to your 7 year old son, things like coming home to be with your kids instead of going out with the guys, things like not holding the fact that he makes more money than me over my head as a control tool at every available opportunity. Things like letting me go out once in a while for some "girl" time and giving ME a break from the kids to re-energize my battries. No - things like that are only allowed to him and god forbid I get upset if he goes out. Normal things like actually wanting to spend the day with the kids and not expecting a reward because of it. That's what a parent does, right? Isn't that our job for goodness sakes?
So - can I do it? Can I walk away from the house that I have literally built from the ground up? And probably foreclose on it because I certainly can't afford the mortgage and god knows he won't pay it once I move out?
Do I have the strength to believe that my kids are stong enough to survive this and will be better off without him in our day-to-day lives? That visits on the weekend are enough and probably better for everyone involved?
That's the burning question - can I do it? Beacuse this will be bad - a bad, terrible, nasty divorce and probably a custody battle on top of it all. Oh how I wish I could have an amicable divorce, be civil with my Ex and be able to co-parent our children - but that is just not in the cards for me. I will literally have to walk away from everything I own except what I can get out of the house that day. It's pathetic, isn't it? I'm disgusted.
He makes me feel crazy for wanting things that I think just MUST be normal but never happen in my home. Things like keeping promises to your 7 year old son, things like coming home to be with your kids instead of going out with the guys, things like not holding the fact that he makes more money than me over my head as a control tool at every available opportunity. Things like letting me go out once in a while for some "girl" time and giving ME a break from the kids to re-energize my battries. No - things like that are only allowed to him and god forbid I get upset if he goes out. Normal things like actually wanting to spend the day with the kids and not expecting a reward because of it. That's what a parent does, right? Isn't that our job for goodness sakes?
So - can I do it? Can I walk away from the house that I have literally built from the ground up? And probably foreclose on it because I certainly can't afford the mortgage and god knows he won't pay it once I move out?
Do I have the strength to believe that my kids are stong enough to survive this and will be better off without him in our day-to-day lives? That visits on the weekend are enough and probably better for everyone involved?
That's the burning question - can I do it? Beacuse this will be bad - a bad, terrible, nasty divorce and probably a custody battle on top of it all. Oh how I wish I could have an amicable divorce, be civil with my Ex and be able to co-parent our children - but that is just not in the cards for me. I will literally have to walk away from everything I own except what I can get out of the house that day. It's pathetic, isn't it? I'm disgusted.
posted by EB @ 9:12 AM
2 Comments:
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Really you don't co-parent the children now...and you live under the same roof. So really, other than your address, things would be the same...you'd be a single parent.
Just kidding. Sort of.
I wish I could give you the strength. You can find it, you can do it. For your kids. It will be like when people can lift a car to save someone....you will find the strength.
At 6:51 AM,
Turtle_Dove said…
Sweetie, I know you can do this!!! And we are all here for you throughout the ENTIRE process. I know that there will be challenges - so bigger than others - but in the end it will ALL be for the best. The beginning may be rough, and you may question your decision, but when you look back on this, and more importantly when T.J. and D. look back on this, you will all KNOW that is was the best decision you could have ever made for you all.
You are loved and supported. Know that in your heart.
And when you are in need of that "girl time", we are here. Bring the kids - we all need play dates!
Hold you head high and you will find your strength in yourself. (With love and support from your family and friends!!!)
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