My NINE kidz?

I have guilt. Reasonable or not I have an ENORMOUS guilt complex of not taking custody of my late cousin's four surviving children. I was the only family member she considered herself close to and my aunt is having such a hard time keeping her life in order with these kids. I feel like I should step up - do what needs to be done and take them to be with me. But the truth is I don't think I can handle it either. With my own 2 kids, my marital issues and working full time just to pay the bills I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I can raise 6 kids full time and still be sane. And I feel like that would do even more damage than leaving them with my aunt. I even considered taking on just one or two of them but after what they have been through you just can't separate them from each other. It just wouldn't be fair to them.

In my perfect world world: I would have the guts to leave my husband, my Mom would sell me her house for dirt cheap when she retires to NH, I would get assistance from the state for my cousin's children, giving me the ability to work minimal hours until they are all in school full time. Then they could all get the attention they need and be in a stable home environment. Really now - is that too much to ask?

Maybe someday - but not today.

I see other people in the world suffering from things like infertility, spending thousands of dollars to adopt locally or even from other countries like Madonna and Angelina Jolie. What ever happened to charity at home? More on that topic another day.

Maybe I can offer them one of my kids? I seem to have too many these days!

The Great Pumpkin

Makes you think of that Charlie Brown TV special, doens't it? I really need to find that on tape so my kids can watch it!

We got our pumpkins yesterday! Yeah! Went to the pumpkin field and I swore we were only getting 1 big pumpkin and a few smaller ones......well 80 pounds and 4 huge pumpkins later I was exhausted! Carved the 4 big ones and let the kids paint the smaller ones that we picked up - and man do they good GOOD!

I use to really love Halloween - I would have considered it one of my favorite times of the year. Not the scary, gory, bloody stuff - not big into haunted houses. I love the idea of dressing up and being "something else" for a day. I am a big sci-fi fan so I love thinking that this one day a year the ghosts can come up from the graves to revisit their loved ones and vampires and werewolves can walk freely among us. It's so much fun to believe in the unbelieveable! But over the years and unfortunately growning up I lost some of that wonder and ability to let go. Now I am paranoid about tainted candy and the schedule of the children's Halloween parties that will be attended this year. So - like everything else in my life these days - my goal is to change that frame of mind. Get back to having fun with the kids and getting some good pictures to remember the kids faces years from now. Wish me luck!

The Fun Mom

So I was obviously in a bad mood yesterday - feeling down and overwhelmed about everything. I decided to go home and just relax. Got a SUPER big hug from my daughter when I walked in the door and suddenly things looked much brighter in my world. I decided to take the night off and be "the fun Mom".

We had hot dogs for dinner because that's what the kids wanted. Served on paper plates so there were no dishes. Then after that I treated the family to big huge, delicious hot fudge sundaes at Friendly's. YUM! At bedtime I broke TJ's curfew and let him stay up to watch "Halloweentown High" on the Disney channel until 9:30!!!!! (the shock!) and when I gave the baby a bath I let her splash all she wanted and totally soaked the whole bathroom and myself in the process! I didn't pick up a single toy and left the dishes in the sink.

I'll regret the double cleaning duty tonight when I get home, but only for a second. I clearly needed a night off and loved every minute of it!

The year from hell

So I was thinking back over the last year - maybe even two and it's just been one thing after another. I think I may need Prozac to be a permanent part of my life:

- October 2004 my maternal grandfather passed away, the last week of my maternity leave from having my daughter. I wasn't very close with him but my mother was very distraught and now had to help care for her mother who wasn't ill, but came from that generation of women who didn't know what to do once their husbands passed away. She didn't know how to pay bills, balance a checkbook, etc.

- August 2005 - Tragedy stuck my family when my 31 year old cousin was murdered by her husband while vacationing in Puerto Rico, a victim of domestic violence. He also murdered her 10 year old daughter and attacked the 12 year old daughter who thankfully survived. (more on this story another day)

- January 2006 - My husband undergoes neck surgery and is out of work for 5 months. Being self-employed he also didn't get PAID for 5 months. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage and is an ongoing issue.

- May 2006 - My paternal grandfather has some serious health issues and we almost lost him a few times over this year. This grandparent I am close to and it will devestate me and my family when he passes away.

- June 2006 - I have A-typical cells in my annual gyno exam and am currently undergoing procedures to remove the pre-cancerous tissue. My first post-procedure test results did not come back with happy results. I am waiting for a call back today and am actually hoping that maybe they'll just do a hyterectomy and be done with it. I've had my kids, I don't want anymore - why not just remove the problem alltogether?

- October 2006 - Back to my cousin's story listed above. Now it appears that more than a year after the attack and now that the murderder has been sentenced to life in prison his family now shows up to contest custody of the three smaller children of my cousin's marriage to "the monster". (let me explain - the 10 and 12 year old kids were from previous relationships in my cousin's life - then she had 3 more kids with her husband - 5 in total, 4 now surviving) What makes them think they have ANY right to these kids? My aunt who took custoday of all 4 of these kids has had a TRUE year in hell - my complaints pale in comparison. Now these kids are finally coping with the tragedy in their life and losing both of their parents and a sibling, and now this comes up? Now I am not one to assume that just because their son did these horrible terrible things that they are bad people too. But for the past year they have not offered any assistance AT ALL. No money to help feed or clothe these kids, no offer to come by and visit and help out. All of that time not a word and now they want to whisk them away? No - I DON'T THINK SO.

Feeling overwhelemed today and not sure how to "fix" all this. Why is is that I always feel like it's my responsibility to "fix" everything?

Seriously - I think I need drugs.

Little Abi

So little Abigail and her Mom left for home in GA on Saturday afternoon. LOVED having her here but was sort of glad that her time was up. It's so stressful having someone live in your home, especially when you don't really know them that well. I think by Sat both of us were glad to be getting back to our normal lives. My kids are a handful normally and I have just adapted my life to that and enjoy them for the wonderful little personalities that they are. But for a first time Mom with a 5 month old infant I can easily see how she would be ready to leave after 6 days of living with us!!!!!!!! She plans on coming back up in December for the holidays and then again in January for a week when my step-son has his leave from Iraq. So we will send e-mails and pictures back and forth until then and I feel pretty good overall about the visit.

My Grand-daughter is here!

She's Here! She's Here! My step-daughter-in-law is up from GA staying with us for the week with the baby! She really is just the cutest baby - big huge blue eyes and such a happy personality!

I LOVE telling people she's my grand-daughter! They look at the baby, look at me, and the shock on people's faces is just priceless! Then we mention that I as the mother-in-law am only 7 years older than the Mom of the baby!!!! It's really just too funny! I think it would bother me just a little if I was actually old enough to be anyone's grandmother but since I just turned 30 and my oldest biological son is only 7 - I can just enjoy it! Sometimes I love the fact that my husband had kids before we met - I got the big family I wanted and didn't have to go thru the pain of labor for 3 of them!

I am having my husband's family over tonight to meet the baby for the first time - I made it clear on several occasions that they were all welcome to stop by any night this week while she was visiting but not one them have taken me up on the offer. It's so frustrating dealing with them. This goes back to me going out of my way to do "the right thing" and getting NOTHING in return. Ugh!

My step-daughter-in-law perplexes me. My Mom made a comment that she starts almost every sentence with "my husband and I" or some version of that. It's sort of odd - like she has no independent thought except for what my step-son has agreed upon with her. And since he's been deployed to Iraq or the next year I don't know how this girl is going to cope with being what basically equates to a single Mom during that time. Is it a "southern" thing with her being from GA? The fact that she seems to define herself only as the wife/mother of another? She also went out and bought a whole new wardrobe for my step-son and he won't be back for 11 more months - very odd. Maybe it's just the situation with her husband off at war and this is her way of coping? I think I'd rather assume this is the case. I'm not really one to give ANY relationship advice, believe me, but it still worries me. I can only remind her that I am here if she needs to chat and for support when she needs it.

Anyway - I will be going to get the kids pictures done while she's up here since I don't really know when she'll be back and I am trying very hard just to enjoy the time with her and the baby while they are with us. Trying VERY hard to live by my new philosophy "no more drama".

Apple Picking!

One family ritual completed for 2006 - we went apple picking! This is the third year we've gone - my sister is so awesome to plan it every year and the kids really look forward to it!

It was a short outing this year, we were only in the orchards for about 1.5 hours, then lunch in the field where the cars are parked. We got tons of great pitures of the kids in the trees! I was sad that we didn't get to go on the hayride or take the kids to the petting zoo area, but it worked out fine because my 2 year old started to get tired and cranky and she got to fall asleep in the truck on the ride home. Next year Miss D will be a little older and be able to put up with more and we'll make a longer day of it!

So now I have two humongeous bags of yummy fresh macintosh apples at home! I don't really bake but I make a mean apple crisp!!! And maybe we can convince my Mom to break out the rolling pin and put together an apple pie which she doesn't do very often anymore! YYYUUUUMMMM!!!!!

I LOVE my Mom!!!!!

My Mom is the GREATEST!!!!! I don't think a more wonderful, caring, nuturing woman in the world exists! Let me explain:

Yesterday morning I noticed that my bathroom sink was a little slow to drain. (probably all my hair) I make some small comment about going to buy some of that liquid drain cleaner and then I'm off on another topic. I see my Mom look at the sink for a few minutes, but think nothing of it. When I get home I notice that it's fixed! I call my Mom, just knowing she's the culprit. She calmly informs me that she pulled out the stopper and cleaned what she could but needs to go home to get my father's wrench and is going to dismantle the U-joint underneath to clean that out as well. WHAT? Oh and by the way she cleaned the other sink and the bathtub drain too. She showed up this morning with the mega wrench in hand! I tried to convince her that it was really unnecessary for her to go to all that effort and it was draining just fine now. She oh-so-calmly told me to go to work, she needed something to do with the baby today and this was the project she has decided on. Is she a crazy woman or what? Can you just picture my Mom and my 2-year-old under the sink cabinet? Then I just got a message from her at work saying that she had just finished cleaning the U-joints under both sinks and now she's off to the hardware store to replace one of the stoppers because she decided she didn't like the setup. She liked the other sink's stopper much better and she off to find a duplicate of one of those. And I am sure that will be done before I step in the door at 5:30 tonight!

Isn't she amazing? My mom doesn't quilt, rarely bakes, and is quite NON frou-frou. But she's a home repair WIZ! And she honestly thinks nothing of things like this - caring for her children is like breathing air for my mother, to NOT do these things would be painful for her.

I love her to pieces and I am so very lucky and grateful to have her in my life. I don't want to be a teacher, an astronaut, a firefighter......I want to be like my Mom when I grow up!

Can I walk away?

Can I do it? This is question that I think will be coming to a head very soon. Can I do it? Can I muster up the strength to walk away from an abusive, controlling relationship? Can I walk away from a man who has manipulated me for 10 years into thinking this behavior is not only normal but acceptable?

He makes me feel crazy for wanting things that I think just MUST be normal but never happen in my home. Things like keeping promises to your 7 year old son, things like coming home to be with your kids instead of going out with the guys, things like not holding the fact that he makes more money than me over my head as a control tool at every available opportunity. Things like letting me go out once in a while for some "girl" time and giving ME a break from the kids to re-energize my battries. No - things like that are only allowed to him and god forbid I get upset if he goes out. Normal things like actually wanting to spend the day with the kids and not expecting a reward because of it. That's what a parent does, right? Isn't that our job for goodness sakes?

So - can I do it? Can I walk away from the house that I have literally built from the ground up? And probably foreclose on it because I certainly can't afford the mortgage and god knows he won't pay it once I move out?

Do I have the strength to believe that my kids are stong enough to survive this and will be better off without him in our day-to-day lives? That visits on the weekend are enough and probably better for everyone involved?

That's the burning question - can I do it? Beacuse this will be bad - a bad, terrible, nasty divorce and probably a custody battle on top of it all. Oh how I wish I could have an amicable divorce, be civil with my Ex and be able to co-parent our children - but that is just not in the cards for me. I will literally have to walk away from everything I own except what I can get out of the house that day. It's pathetic, isn't it? I'm disgusted.