Santa's Comin' To Town!!!!

This morning my Mom brought over some toy catalogs for the kids to go thru and make their lists for Santa. They were SO cute as I walked out the door to go to work and they were sitting at the table, hunched over looking at the pages - circling what they wanted from Santa. It was just too cute for words!! For my 2 year old this is the first year she "gets" it - Santa, toys if you're good, that whole deal. So she was literally squealing with excitement as she made her big brother circle items for her in the book. Then he was moving too fast for her past the baby dolls and she mad him stop and go back a page or two so she could circle more things! This is my favorite age for the holidays! Everything is so magical and they don't question HOW Santa can get around the world in one night - they just know it's wonderful and magical! It was SO hard to walk out that door and go to work this morning!

My 7 year old is getting more difficult to shop for - all he seems to want is video games and such. We got him his new bike for his birthday in August - I'm having such a hard time coming up with his "big gift". I try to do one really big gift for each kid - one thing that they really and truly want, no matter the cost (well - almost), then a bunch of smaller things to round out the gifts under the tree. For my daughter I think we are going to get her one of those Little Tikes outdoor playhouses - she loves those when we go over other people's houses. But that is a very physically large item.....so I need to come up with something big for my son as well. At this age the cost doesn't matter to them - they don't get that yet (as well they shouldn't) but I want it to appear balanced, ya know what I mean? I would like to get him something that doesn't involve sitting in front of the computer or Playstation......

Ideas are welcome and needed people!

Real or Fake?

I'm talking about Christmas trees folks - get your mind out of the gutter!!!!

The big debate this weekend - do I get a real tree or an artificial tree this year? I grew up with real trees, the idea of a fake tree would have made me wrinkle my nose in disgust. However........ the thought of having a tree that doesn't die a week before Christmas because I ALWAYS forget to water it, no fighting with a tree stand that inevitable leans to the right anyway, and not having to clean up needles of the floor for the next month is sounding more and more appealing. That and the fact that my husband won't be able to "surprise" me with a 14 foot monster in my living room like he did last year. I also have allergies to some trees - this seems like it should be a bigger part of my consideration process, but truthfully it's sort of on the bottom of the list.

Cautious and hesitant for change as I always am - I start researching online. My goodness the variety out there! The are are loads of things to consider - number of tips, number of bulbs (because if I'm going fake it's SO going to be prelit with lights!), needle type, and even color! Who knew the true range in colors that Christmas trees have? From the dark green of a pine to the blue/green of a spruce, to the truly bizarre neon red and even aqua!

But I can't shake the feeling that it just won't be Christmas without the smell of a real tree. Do I dare just buy a real wreath to hang in the living room and call it a day?

It seems that everyone I talk to has grown up with their tree one way or the other - no one that has had both and can really compare the two experiences. Hhhhhmmmmm.......

We'll see what I end up with - I'll keep you posted!

Faith in Humanity

Last night I went to a fundraiser for my cousin's children to help replenish the trust fund that helps pay for the kid's everyday needs. Overall it was a great night - not sure yet of the total amount raised but that doesn't even matter. If we only raised $100 is was more than they had yesterday, right? The people that attended were so awesome and they bid on items and laid their money down for these kids. I had donations given to me at work and the guys that work in the warehouse at my husband's work really went over and beyond what we expected in donations and buying raffle tickets to the event. Times like these really restore my faith in mankind - points out that although life isn't perfect - there ARE good people out there, willing to give what little they might have to help others in need.

My little boy was sick with strep and I was bummed that maybe we would have to stay home for fear of infecting others - but my good friends A and L really pulled thru for me and came over to stay with him so that my husband and I could still attend the event and be with my family. I was close to tears at their offer and the fact that they realized how important it was for me to be there and what it meant to me. A girl could not ask for a better group of friends!

The kids were there for a while at the start of the night, then left about half way through the event because it was way past bedtime. But it was almost magical the way the little girls were twirling around the dance floor in their fancy dresses and her son was running around and smiling up a storm. Even the 13 year old, who has gotten quite moody as 13 year old girls often do at this age, was smiling and laughing and made a point to greet everyone when they came in and said "Thank you for coming".

I really missed my cousin last night. I think it's finally hitting me that she's gone. She's gone and never coming back. She'll never see her children smile or hear them laugh again. But my aunt (her Mom) swears that she is watching them and talks quite often of the strange things that happen around the house. She swears that it's my cousin and 10 year old Chelsea watching from up above and seeing how great the kids are doing - despite what they have been through. They are not only surviving but flourishing day by day.

Yes - last night I had a revelation - I started to grieve for my cousin and her daughter that were taken so tragically from us last year and had a little bit of hope restored to my soul in the process.

It was a very, very good night.

Feeling yucky

So a family member is throwing a fundraiser for my cousin's kids! YAY!!!!!! Since I have been thinking about it for months and have not had time to do anything about it - I am THRILLED that she is planning the event. However - God forbid I let it rest there. I find myself critizing (only to myself and my sisters - would never speak a word to the event planner) her plans, who she has contacted, the way it's being handled. What is WRONG with me? She is volunteering her own time and planning this great evening and all I can do is bitch about what she is forgetting? My sisters and I have contributed quite a bit to the evening - we put together several really nice baskets to raffle off and volunteered to put together the 155 Thank You favors....but why can't I just leave it at that?

I think my control issues are getting out of hand. Yesterday I got upset and fought all day with my husband for not telling me he wanted eggs until after I had pulled out the frying pans. Now we all know I have some relationship issues but even I realize in retrospect this was a little over the top. I hadn't cracked a single egg or even gotten the pans dirty - yet felt completely justified in yelling at him for not telling me he wasn't ready for breakfast a full 5 min earlier in the conversation! UGH!!!!!!

I feel like I am like the water in the sink - spiraling down to the bottom drain - I don't want to spend hours and hours discussing and analyzing it - I just want it to stop. I want to be able to just enjoy my kids God Damn it! Why can't I do that?

How do I find the balance to filter thru life's yucky stuff and still be able to enjoy the "little" things?

The thought of exercise keeps playing in my head over and over like a broken record. I need very badly to get my butt off the couch and do something - my weight is back up again to the highest it's ever been and I know that is part of what is making me feel so bad. But it is SO hard to get started when you've been a couch potatoe for so long. I have gone thru spurts in my life where I am good and lose 5-10 pounds, sometimes more, but inevitable it all comes back with more to spare. How does one actually create a change of lifestyle? I had my family buy me all these sneakers and running gear for my birthday back in august and most of it, sadly enough, is still sitting in the gift bag next to my bed. One of these days - that's what I keep saying.....

So sorry these last few posts are so depressing - they start out with another thought but keep ending up in the same place..........oh well - I'll try again tomorrow!

Drugs - literally........

It's been a while since I've posted - honestly I haven't had much to say that was worth writing down. I can feel myself falling depper into a depression and feel powerless to stop it. I actually called in sick to work one day last week because the thought of getting out of bed and showering was just too much for me. Sad, isn't it? One of these days I will do something about it.

In the meantine the thought of going on yet another medication is just not very appealing to me. I totalled up the meds I am on for various conditions - birth control, asthma, allergies, migranes - and I come up with a grand total of SEVEN prescriptions. SEVEN! Just for me alone! Not all of them are every single month - but pretty much so. And that doesn't count the over the counter stuff like cold medicine and Excedrine migrane that I seem to be popping on a regular basis. So do you see why adding Prozac to that mix doesn't sound very appealing? I am starting to wonder if I need to go find another doctor. Start from starch and see if they have a different viewpoint on my medical history and see if there are any other alternatives out there. I am normally not an "alternative" medicinal kind of girl but right about now anything sounds better than spending over $700 a year on perscription drugs!