Off to War

I wanted to post something light and fluffy - something that would make everyone smile and laugh because I need that this week...then I remembered the date.

My 19-year old step-son (the one who made me a grandmother) is being deployed today. TODAY he is being sent to fight a war. And regardless how I feel about the political correctness of the whole war and why we are over there the fact of the matter is that we are sending these boys to fight. My husband (his dad) went to go see him earlier this month to visit and he was shocked at just how young all the men in his platoon were - they are just kids, he said to me when he got back.

I have such mixed emotions today - I am proud of him for being in the service and all that entails but I am so very scared for him as well. I certainly can't watch the news for the next year while he's away. How do you deal with this sort of thing as a parent?

We will send our love by way of the United States Postal Service, that's how. As soon as I get his address where he will be stationed there will be care packages - many many care packages. We will send him things from home, like Pringles and Fruit Roll-ups, things to reming him of where he came from and what he's coming back to. We will send pictures of his wife and 4 month old baby to him every week so that he doesn't miss any more of that so-important first year of his daughter's life than he has to. We will send him pictures of his brothers and sisters and his family so that he has a rock to hold on to in a counrty where everything is so out of control.

Any other ideas? What do you send to a boy who is off fighting someone else's war?


Next post - something fluffy......I promise.......

The Tooth Fairy

My little man survived his trip to the dentist! And when we got there one of the teeth that was supposed to get pulled was already loose! SAHweet!!! So he just got two teeth pulled on the bottom and now the dentist wants to wait until at least February for the next two in line instead of pulling them next month! Keep your fingers crossed!

He was such a trooper in that chair yesterday - let me just tell you what a proud mama I am! I think I was more faint watching them use all those medevil tools on my baby's mouth than he was for the entire process. He said the shots hurt and I just held his hand and rubbed his leg (yes I was right beside him for the ENTIRE procedure) and then once those numbed up his mouth and we were joking about him drooling all over his chin he never felt another thing. He was very calm and I was so proud I actually started tearing up when he wasn't looking....

For those of you that know me and my fear of the dentist you know how very hard it was for me to be in that room and talk to TJ in a normal voice the entire time, keeping his mind on other things. But as a Mom there are just certain things you need to do for your kids, and yesterday was one of those days... I think even the dentist knew - he turned to me at the end and said what a good "coach" I was - whew!!!!! Thank goodness that's over!

The "Tooth Fairy" visited last night and left a little something extra for the trauma he had to endure for those teeth - my poor baby!!!! And those teeth are now sitting in my top drawer as a reminder how big he's getting and what a milestone this was in his life. Now the big decision comes this morning when he has to choose what to buy at Toys-R-Us with that hard-earned cash!

Being a Grown-up

Just for the record I want to state that being a Grown-up really just SUCKS! I woke up this morning exhausted! Exhausted because I have been working between 10-15 hours of Overtime every week for the past 4 weeks and will continue to do so for probably the next 3-4 weeks. Of course it works out well because then I can pay my dental bills in cash instead of finance the cost (who knew that 3 lousy white fillings would cost me $367???) and then my little man is starting on his journey on a long and hard dental road - similar to myself at this age. He's having 4 baby teeth pulled on Monday and more in his near future to make room for the very large adult teeth that will most definately require braces. Poor kid inherited my big teeth in a mouth too small to hold them all!

I have been discussing being a grown-up with A. who very recently has also come to grips with her own financial issues and we have decided that being responsible and actually taking care of your business just plain SUCKS!

However - being the grown-up that I am I will get up at the ungodly hour of 6am again tomorrow and trudge to the office and work until 5 - getting my OT hours in before my office decides they don't need to pay the time and a half anymore. And hand over that precious cash to the dentist on Monday with a very tight smile!

ADD?

So in my last therapy session my counselor seems to think I have a pretty clear cut case of adult ADD. While I am not sure what I think of this diagnosis I think it's interesting. It explains my countless unfinished projects around the house, how I can NOT sit still to watch a TV show from start to finish, and how my house is always so cluttered and unorganized. (Ok maybe I threw that last one in just for fun). I see symptoms in my son but he's still so young that's it's hard to know what is an ADD case or just him being an active little boy - I tend to lean toward him being an active little boy - at least for now. If it starts to seriously effect his schoolwork then maybe I'll have to revisit that train of thought. But overall I think that ADD is a catchall for children who don't do well in school and it's highly overused. But for someone to say that to me as an adult? It's food for thought......at the very least if she can give me tips how to better organize my life and my home I'm all for it!

Too much

When is the fighting too much? How do you determine the cut off point? When you have just had enough of your relationship? When do the bad times and arguing outweigh the good times and the look on your daughter's face when her Daddy comes home and she when calls him to go to bed with her because "she neeeeeds Daddy"? When your son asks you straight out "are you and Dad gonna break up?" how do you look at him and say - yes buddy - we probably will.

My marriage has progressively gone down hill for years......he's possessive and jealous and I'm too busy avoiding confrontation to stick to my point and stand up for myself.

I got myself into therapy after months of debate - I am hoping that will help me to make some changes in my own life. In my dream bubble I am hoping that as I make changes in me that he will realize how foolish he's been and change with me for the better. But in reality I am changing myself so that I am strong enough for me and my children to survive what will probably be a very bitter and terrible divorce.

It's hard to say how I ended up here - how did I allow myself to slowly be rail-roaded into this meek person that answers the most absurd questions because my husband is borderline verbally abusive to me?

It's hard to make the decision - it's just SO much easier to stay - to keep up the routine and role that I have been playing for 10 years now. But then I see my son's slowly increasing anger issues and wonder if our tense home life is the cause of that. It's hard to see my daughter playing with my husband at bedtime and how happy she is to be with him to even consider taking her away. I cry almost every day at this tough choice that stands before me. I wish I had the foresight to make sure that this decision would indeed be the better choice for my kids. That I knew for SURE they will be happier once the initial pain of the split up is past. That thier Dad would not be vindictive and use them as pawns in this game to cause me pain. But no one has that sight - do they?

I have a wonderful support group - friends and family that support me in every way - financially and emotionally. I know that some women have it SO much worse - I have so much support and help and I am so very unhappy - why do I stay? Because those two little faces are SO very happy to see thier Dad when he does pay them some attention and I loathe the decision to uproot their whole world - just so I can be happy. It feels so wrong - we as parents are supposed to give EVERYthing we have to make a better life for our kids - not be selfish because they need us to make sacrifices for them. That's my job as a parent. But then where do you cross the line from it being simply selfish of me to initiating an indeed better life for those same kids?

My family and friends at this point are aggravated with me - and I don't blame them. I have been teetering on this decision for months - no years - now. Everyone seems to think that it will be better for my kids and me if I leave - but I can't seem to do it. Maybe because I don't yet fully believe it myself yet? How is it everyone else can see the writing on the wall yet I am powerless to effect change?

Birthday

Well it's my little man's 7th Birthday TODAY!!! I remember the day he was born and just being in shock that he wasn't here yesterday, and now he was forever a part of my life. It was a little scary for me at first but I wouldn't have it any other way. He looks like my Dad which I just think it the BEST and has a little of my off-the-wall personality. He really is just the best kid ever! It's funny how they aggravate you when it come to brushing their teeth and everyday chores but then - every once in a while - they will do something to show you that maybe you really are doing a good job. A few weeks ago A was feeling sad when she came to visit. TJ decided to go all out and set the entire dinner table with paper plates, napkins, silverware and name cards just to make the dinner special for her. How cute is he? Really - how cute????? And now he asks every once in a while how she is doing - must have done something right!!!!!

So tonight per his request we will be having Tacos for dinner (his favorite) and a small Carvel ice cream cake (yummy!) and we will have my family over for a small party since we had his "big" party a few weeks ago. For tonight I will remember the little glow-worm in the hospital room 7 years ago - a big bald head sticking out of the hospital blanket when he was all bundled up! For tonight I can remember how much the labor hurt then look at him across the table and think that every second of that pain was worth it and I would do it all again just to have this precious little boy in my life. For tonight I will remember the first steps he took and how I cried and cried every day for weeks when I had to go back to work because I was seperated from him even for the day. For tonight I will remember the first time he smiled at me and the first time he told me he loved me all on his own - that is a memory I will cherish forever. For tonight I will just be thankful that I was blessed to be his Mom and share my life with him every single day. Then tomorrow I can go back to be annoyed that he won't brush his teeth when he's told!!!!!!

I love being a Mom!

Food for thought

So when out with L and A this past weekend I noticed how different my parenting style is. Not in a good way or a bad way - just different. L is a very cautious Mom (she has a 7 year old son) - she is very good about explaining things and why you should or shouldn't do them. Maybe a little too good because I wondered if my little man (7 years old as well) was going to get a little bit of a complex about falling down and hurting himself. But she also has much more patience than I do - I envy that about her. My style is so very different - I am much more relaxed in that aside from mortal danger I kind of let him do his thing and if he gets a scratch he's learned his lesson and won't do it again, right? On the other hand he does get an awful lot of scratches!!! It's interesting to think that maybe between the two of us we make the perfect parent! She can explain why things are dangerous before he's tempted to do them and I can ease her worries that he will be just FINE!!!!

D at work likes to say "If the bone's not sticking out - you're FINE"....I kinda like that sentiment quite a bit! I am trying very hard to live my life by that mantra and not wallow in my own issues from day to day.

On that same line I have thought that A and I would also make the perfect partner (wife for lack of a better word). She is brazen and stubborn about what she wants in life and fights for it all the way. She enjoys every thing she does and never does anything halfway. I am more practical and laid back about just going with the flow. Maybe too much on some things in life.

So maybe between the three of us we make the perfect woman/person???? Something to think about - I truly think we were all destined to be friends!

And confirmation that your best girlfriends are truly your soulmates!