Too much

When is the fighting too much? How do you determine the cut off point? When you have just had enough of your relationship? When do the bad times and arguing outweigh the good times and the look on your daughter's face when her Daddy comes home and she when calls him to go to bed with her because "she neeeeeds Daddy"? When your son asks you straight out "are you and Dad gonna break up?" how do you look at him and say - yes buddy - we probably will.

My marriage has progressively gone down hill for years......he's possessive and jealous and I'm too busy avoiding confrontation to stick to my point and stand up for myself.

I got myself into therapy after months of debate - I am hoping that will help me to make some changes in my own life. In my dream bubble I am hoping that as I make changes in me that he will realize how foolish he's been and change with me for the better. But in reality I am changing myself so that I am strong enough for me and my children to survive what will probably be a very bitter and terrible divorce.

It's hard to say how I ended up here - how did I allow myself to slowly be rail-roaded into this meek person that answers the most absurd questions because my husband is borderline verbally abusive to me?

It's hard to make the decision - it's just SO much easier to stay - to keep up the routine and role that I have been playing for 10 years now. But then I see my son's slowly increasing anger issues and wonder if our tense home life is the cause of that. It's hard to see my daughter playing with my husband at bedtime and how happy she is to be with him to even consider taking her away. I cry almost every day at this tough choice that stands before me. I wish I had the foresight to make sure that this decision would indeed be the better choice for my kids. That I knew for SURE they will be happier once the initial pain of the split up is past. That thier Dad would not be vindictive and use them as pawns in this game to cause me pain. But no one has that sight - do they?

I have a wonderful support group - friends and family that support me in every way - financially and emotionally. I know that some women have it SO much worse - I have so much support and help and I am so very unhappy - why do I stay? Because those two little faces are SO very happy to see thier Dad when he does pay them some attention and I loathe the decision to uproot their whole world - just so I can be happy. It feels so wrong - we as parents are supposed to give EVERYthing we have to make a better life for our kids - not be selfish because they need us to make sacrifices for them. That's my job as a parent. But then where do you cross the line from it being simply selfish of me to initiating an indeed better life for those same kids?

My family and friends at this point are aggravated with me - and I don't blame them. I have been teetering on this decision for months - no years - now. Everyone seems to think that it will be better for my kids and me if I leave - but I can't seem to do it. Maybe because I don't yet fully believe it myself yet? How is it everyone else can see the writing on the wall yet I am powerless to effect change?